So apparently I'm moody, and I kind of already knew that. I guess I'm just so used to myself and the way I behave I don't tend to notice the stark contrast it provides with everyone else. I'm rarely comfortable with people. atomicscar is one of those people. The list is short and mainly is comprised of exes; 85butterflies, jimnicricket, housevsbreaks, etc. Anyways the fact that I'm moody, which is a given really, means that on top of my inability to make friends, people find it hard to make friends with me. Or maybe it's a deterrent. It's hard to remember clearly but I think that I've been especially moody over the last couple of years. I don't know if it's getting worse or it's just a bad turn of events and when things get better so will my unpredictability.

Devon hoped that medication and therapy would solve it. She called it depression. I don't know what to call it. As far back as I can remember life has always had its ups and downs and predictably I'm up when it's up and I'm down when it's down. I've kind of surrendered to the idea that I'm crazy in this way. Her leaving me for being crazy is some irony I can truly appreciate, if that is what really happened.

I'm feeling manic at the moment. Self diagnosis is a little to melodramatic and manifest destiny for my tastes, so I'm not going go into the possibility of being bipolar. That said, I feel like to some degree, I can understand what my friends who are bipolar go through.

So, yeah.

Balancing precarious on this, your lopsided lady justice. Taxed beyond means, paying for fairness. Falling short I stand, a step up, to keep you within my reach. I need it to be okay that I'm not perfect, that's what you told me.

This is totally unhealthy.

This is not what I want.

I want for this to be over, please let it be over now.

This is stupid. I am stupid.

This shouldn't have happened.

This would be over, if I had let it. But all I want is this.

When I drive, often I just focus on the car ahead of me. If it's nighttime then I stare at their tail lights. I'm always amazed at the evolution of the tail light. So much thought has been put into them over the years and there really are so many distinct and unique designs. I might have even purchased a car once solely for its tail lights.

You tend to miss a lot when you drive like that. You miss the journey, the sights to see. They race past you, as you race past them.

I like the new Audi's tail lights, they outline a hollow shape and fail to meet themselves in the process.

I feel like there is a lot that I've missed. Sure, l see more than just the tail lights of the car in front of me, I see the blinding lights of that truck in my rear view mirror as well. Even if I hadn't lowered my car I think they would still be blinding me now but I don't pay much attention to my mirrors otherwise, to those things around me. It's a good thing that in following all of these cars that have been in front of me like this, at a safe distance naturally, that I never once had plans to change lanes all of the sudden because I would've never seen the car that pulled into my blind spot.

When I drive, often I drive in auto pilot. I'm staring off into the distance, at everything passing me by and enjoying a daydream. I'm aware of the car in front of me only as much as it was there the last time I saw it and I assume that it will always be there. I take for granted that at any moment brakes could be applied suddenly, and I could be taken out of this moment that I am fully enjoying only to find myself wrecked. Twice I've hit cars in front of me because I was not exactly present while driving. Life is great, you're singing to the song playing on your stereo as loud as it will go before it actually hurts your ears and as though you actually have talent for such things as singing, and before you know it reality, like that car that's been in front of you this whole time, stops to take you back. I never finished school because of one of those times. The other time, well it was more like serendipitous irony. It completely changed my life and I can only be thankful although there's still a wreck of a car in my driveway to remind me of what brought me here, to where I am now. So I remain thankful for what I now have on a regular basis but also mourn my loss just as often.

I'm amidst something of an accident now. I know that I'm here because of the way I chose to drive, but I don't think anyone, when it's over, will be found at fault. I could have paid more attention to what was right in front of me and all around me, using my mirrors and maintaining the situational awareness that I know I'm capable of. And I could have also spent more time enjoying the journey rather than just focusing on driving, three car lengths behind the car in front of me with the cruise control on, not even thinking about where I was going but just staring at tail lights.

I miss dinners. I miss movies. I miss cuddling. I miss the daily interaction. I miss always having an activity partner. I miss daily sex. I miss daily kisses. I miss company. I miss spending all my time with someone who's awesome. I miss you always trying to help me. I really miss having a best friend.

I don't miss arguing and fighting. I don't miss you being jealous. I don't miss our drama. I don't miss your drama. I don't miss listening to the same complaints about your work every single day. I don't miss dealing with crazy.

I'm happy that I'm free but I feel that it comes at a cost.